Movin' On Up

I never used to be someone who cried a lot. Honestly, even when Justin received his diagnosis I didn't shed a tear. Not at first anyway. It was just all too surreal.

I was so thankful for the distraction of the Internet. It allowed me to dive into researching all that I could about autism and treatments and recovery. I never once allowed myself the thought that Justin would be anything less than fine.

This was how I coped at the time, but ultimately I think I did myself a diservice. Because all of my reading and research prevented me from sitting in that sadness and having my watershed moment. I sometimes wonder if this is the reason why now I seem to shed tears at the slightest proviclation. I went from being someone who hardly ever cries to someone who cries all the time.

Not that I'm at all okay with that. It's embarassing to be in front of others and out of nowhere just have the tears come bubbling up from the places I didn't even know existed.

So, it was with this sense of dread that I attended Justin's "Moving Up" ceremony. Justin has just completed his first "semester" at is integrated pre-school and they had a very sweet assembly to commemorate the event. I tried to keep things in perspective. After all, this isn't his high school graduation or his senior prom. He is simply moving up from the 3 year old classroom to the 4 year old classroom. Truth be told, he's still going to be in the 3 year old room throughout the summer so he doesn't even technically "move up" until September. So really, it was no big deal.

Or at least this is what I told myself in a very lame attempt to not start bawling like a baby in front of all the other parents at the ceremony.

And then the ceremony began. And as he walked in the room and sat in his designated spot I knew I was in trouble. Because I realized that this was a very big deal indeed.

A year ago he would've walked into the room filled with close to 50 parents, with cameras flashing and video cameras rolling (mine included) and he would not have been okay. He would've been scared and confused and likely would've melted down.

A year ago he wouldn't have been able to learn all the words to the "Cuppycake Song" that all the kids sang. He wouldn't have been able to imitate the other kids jumping up and down for the "Popcorn Song". He wouldn't have been focused enough to look for me and my husband in the audience, spot us and then smile and wave while still sitting calmly in his seat.

When you spend so much time with your child, it's hard to remember sometimes just how far they've come. When every "next step" seems to come so excrutiatingly slow it's good to have ceremonies such as this to look at our kids with fresh eyes and marvel at the hard work they've done.

So, did I cry? Well, I am proud to say that with tremendous effort, I choked down the huge lump in my throat and managed to dab just a few tears from my eyes.

Not too bad.

Of course, next year he'll be graduating from pre-school to Kindergarten.

I'm doomed.